Random Snippets
By kiri | May 21, 2008
I started an entry about some stuff but I decided to wait and talk to DT. I wanted to pick his brain, see if he’d tell me where he plans to take my training. He doesn’t even know. I’d say I deleted a perfectly good entry (I’m horrible at writing, saving a draft, and remembering where I meant to take it. I just can’t do it.) for nothing, but I had a bit of forewarning. It looks as though I’ll be doing essays so he can get a better idea of where I’m at now.
I was curious about how it’d all tie in to the situation with Amo, still am really, but I guess I’ll just have to go where it takes me.
And what spawned all that was me talking about my paper journal. I probably could have saved that part of the entry.
It’s been interesting so far.
I haven’t really tried to keep a personal journal in almost ten years. I’d forgotten how much I liked it. I was worried I wouldn’t have a lot to say because I’ve written so much here but that’s not really the case. As a matter of fact, aside from a few points of reference, that little book is its own entity. I hadn’t realized just how much I don’t want to or can’t say here, how guarded I really am.
It also helps that I’m focused on Amo when I write. It’s not like a long letter to him or anything, just experiences and thoughts I’d like to share with him. If that makes any sense. I think that helps filter what goes in, really. The book gets the creme de la creme. And there’s probably some stuff that, if tweaked a bit, would fit in here too.
I’m thinking about getting another journal, a nilla one I guess, to write in and gearing it toward things I’d like to share with my kids when they’re older. The ex/hubby gave me a gorgeous black spiral-bound book that was intended for that purpose, but I’m thinking that one will be my poetry book. Poetry seems to be the only thing that’s really stayed there. The rest gets ripped out. (Note to self: easily-torn-out pages are a bad idea for journaling!)
On to other matters since I’m running out of time…
My stomach is in knots. I’m supposed to be going to see Amo today. He’s got a few hours yet to back out on me, but I’m hoping that dreaded message doesn’t come.
I still find it amusing how anxious I get when I’m so close to seeing him. It’s almost impossible to think about anything else in the hours leading up to the drive. As that drive progresses, my heart beats faster, my palms get a little sweaty, and my hands start to shake. Hell, I even try not to talk to much when I get to his place because I worry that my voice will give me away. I don’t know if he notices it or not, but it takes me a good half an hour to get myself under control.
It’d be annoying as hell if I didn’t think it was so funny.
*crosses my fingers and takes a deep breath*
Now for the endless work vs. business seesaw…
I hate work. Surprise, surprise right? I like the people I work with. I like most of the customers. I even love the grunge work most of my coworkers hate and avoid. It’s all just…consuming. I never really saw just how drained I was after each day until I got suspended.
I like living in my head, like drifting off in thought, but I have to stay focused while I’m there. Especially now. Staying focused takes a lot of work when I have so much other stuff pushing it’s way in. I can already feel the weariness creeping in and I’ve only worked three days.
Being consumed like that is a double-edged sword. It keeps me from burning out but at the same time, it seriously hinders my progress. I should probably get out of the store completely - right now - and get a move on, but…
But I need stable income.
But I need money now.
But I’m about two months behind in my bills.
But I like my little safety net.
But, but, but, but, but.
Always a but.
And those buts are what’s keeping me stuck. (Dr Seuss, is that you? - 10 cool points to anyone who can tell me who asked that question!)
I almost wish they had fired me.
Maybe I should just say fuck it and quit, huh?
Now I really need to go. I’m pushin it!
Tags: Amo, Business, DT, journal, training, work |
Piper Halliwell from Charmed, wasn’t it?
Very good! LOL